Growing Up, Growing Down

I remember being a little girl and looking at the girls in high school wanting nothing more than to be

them.

I wanted to flaunt a keychain with a driver's license and scroll on my very own phone.

I wanted to wear my hair sleek and straight and wear tight and grown-up clothes.

I wanted their dreamy smiles and effortless confidence.

Now I am that girl in high school and I have that very key chain with a driver's license and scroll on that

very phone.

But I look back on that little girl now and find myself wanting again.

I want her light-up sparkly sketchers and her fancy nancy picture books.

I want to wear my hair curly and with bows and wear pink ruffles and gingham.

I want her dreamy smile and her effortless confidence.

I realize that there are two versions of me that will always be wanting to live as the other.

I am in a constant run to meet this golden standard that dims each time I approach it only to appear again

behind me.

These two sides of me constantly chase after each other creating this circular loop of wanting.

I can’t seem to escape from it.

I will always be a little girl that dreams of growing up and a big girl that dreams of growing down.