Forever

“I love that word. Forever.

I love that forever doesn’t exist, but we have a word for it anyway.” - Viv Albertine

1

I watch you through the church window with white frames, the windows that I used to watch the sunsets or flowers blooming. Everything out there is so beautiful. No matter if they’re the sunsets, flowers, or you.

               Your smile looks particularly special under the sunlight. The sun is like a paid actor for the film of your name, it makes you look like the brightest child in the universe. You kick the soccer ball to your teammates to score a point, and then you all gather up to celebrate the victory. What a nice scene that you have created. You never let me down, never disappoint me. Besides playing soccer, you also find environmental science interesting. Whenever break time comes, you will always run outside with your friends and discover something that others will not be able to see. You’re a beloved child, everyone here loves you. I wish I could be the one that you like back, the one that you pay attention to, except that I’m too invisible for you to notice. If I were to describe you as the sunlight, then I’d be the shadow.

               You look toward my direction and I immediately turn my head back to look at the bishop. I do want you to notice my gaze, though I’m too afraid that you’ll think I’m disgusting. I don’t want to make you dislike me, not when I’m still catching feelings for you. I don’t know what you think about me, but I hope you think of me as someone more than a stranger. Perhaps a classmate, or a friend.

               The bell rings and I stand up to exit the classroom. There are ten minutes of break time before dinner is ready. I have decided to walk back to my room and read. I enjoy spending time with myself, those times are almost as good as the times when I can just watch you and not be seen. I walk upstairs to get to my room, and then someone taps on my shoulder to stop me. I turn around to check who it is, and my heartbeat speeds up.

               “Hey,” it’s you. Unbelievably true. “How was your class?”

               “Fine,” my breathing pauses for a second before I speak again, “How are you?”

               “I’m good. I played soccer outside, I think you saw me.” you give me the smile I love. Unfortunately, you did see me watching you. How embarrassing.

               “You played good,” of course, you played good, when are you not good at something? From the moment I have known you till now, you are always good at everything. I have known you since the day you were here, in the orphanage. I heard that we were found outside the orphanage at the same time, we were placed together. What a coincidence that two different parents abandoned their children on the same day, and gave them to the same orphanage? Maybe we are meant to be together.

               “Thank you.” your cheeks are still red from exercising, “Would you like to go out with me next Thursday?” you continue after a brief pause, “I have everything planned in my head already, I just need to confirm it with Ms. Smith. Before that, I need to ask for your permission.”

               My heartbeat is racing so fast that I feel like it’s going to explode inside of me, “Yes, of course, yes. I’m willing to.”

               “Great,” this time I wonder if the redness on your face is still because of exercising, “I’ll see you during dinner.”

               You walk away before I can say anything else, though it’s clear to me that I’m not going to tell you how much I love you, and how happy I am to realize how much you love me, too.

2

On the dinner table, I cannot stop looking at you. You talk normally with your friends and the ones around you, as if our thing never happened. You’re very good at keeping your emotions hidden, though, so I’m not sure if you’re as nervous and excited as me.

               In this city of orphanages, we have a rule for all children. When a child turns eighteen, they’ll be able to plan a trip by themselves for the day of their birthday. On that day, they can go anywhere out of the city, and they can pick a person in the orphanage to spend the day with. This means that the person must be very important to them because, on the night of their birthday, they’ll also be leaving the orphanage and never coming back. These children will be sent to the army and go to war immediately. Particularly, they will be serving as suicide bombing tactic soldiers. Everyone in the orphanage knows about this, but we don’t talk about it, because the education of nationalism caused us to think that this is all fine. At least our lives can support our country, the country that benefited us, as orphans. The country has donated a large amount of money to the orphanages to provide us with food and everything else we want or need. The lives we are having here are expensive, and we should appreciate that.

               But is it correct that we should sacrifice ourselves?

               We don’t talk about this question, but I just like to think about it in my head. I won’t discuss it with anyone in the orphanage because this is how we are being taught. We live happily and wait until the day that we have to leave. We don’t leave regrets that we shouldn’t be having.

               Your birthday is February 15th, which is the day that you are planning on having a date with me. Isn’t it hilarious that your birthday is after Valentine’s Day? Perhaps it’s hinting that we will never be able to become lovers. Perhaps we are not meant to be together.

3

The day comes fast. You and I stand in front of the church door and let the little children hug us as they say goodbye to you. They all know tonight it’ll just be me coming back. Some cry and yell your name as you put on a fake smile to hide your sorrowfulness. You pat them on the head one by one and whisper to them individually. I hear you saying cheerful sentences and complimenting every one of them. I know you adore them so much, so much that you cannot bear the fact that you have to leave right now.

               Ms. Smith opens the car door for us and tells us to get in quickly. She says we have no time to waste, and the longer we stay, the more sad the children will get. I understand her words but don’t understand why she never empathizes with us. Or maybe she does, and she just doesn’t want to show it. I’ve never truthfully liked Ms. Smith, nor do I hate her. In the orphanage, we have no reason to hate our teachers because they have been the ones taking care of us throughout our lifetime. We should only appreciate them.

               You and I get into the car and the driver already knows where to go because Ms. Smith has told him about our schedule for the day. I look out at the window, trying to avoid making eye contact with you. I know if I do, I’ll be tearing up like all the other children.

               “Don’t you think Ms. Smith never ages?” you break the silence first, “She looks like this since the day I can recognize her face.”

               Ms. Smith has been an important figure in our lives. She plays the mother figure in the orphanage. She never fails her job. She’s logical and is a master at problem-solving. I do agree with you that she doesn’t age.

               “You’re right,” I say, smiling.

               I try to keep our conversation going, “You haven’t told me where we are going yet.”

               “We are going to a place called an amusement park. I saw them in books and I’ve been wanting to explore somewhere like that. Over there, you can take a train called the roller coaster and it will go so fast, it even turns you upside-down!” he speaks like a child but I like this side of him. I like how well he can hide his feelings, even when he’s too sad to face death.

4

The amusement park is just like what you described. It’s huge compared to the orphanage. I wonder if our whole city is even as big as this amusement park. However, the number of people here does scare me. Everywhere is so crowded and people seem to have trouble calming themselves down. This is somewhat like a zoo, which is another place from one of the books we read in the orphanage. Has the outside world been so chaotic?

               You take my hand and make me follow you to many places. We go on the roller coaster that you were talking about. The waiting line is more terrifying than the roller coaster itself, though you have thought of many things to talk about with me that make everything less boring. You are excellent at killing boredom. We walk to the little stores and use the cash Ms. Smith has given us to purchase some souvenirs. Most of them are for me to keep, but you have decided to leave a keychain with you. The keychain has two unrecognizable animals on it, and you say they look like us, two young creatures who have the privilege of breathing.

               Soon the sky begins to turn dark. Ms. Smith said that she’d come to pick me up at eight pm when the amusement park closes. The army will come to pick you up at the same time. You look at your watch and realize we have thirty minutes left, so you point at the Ferris wheel, telling me that we should get up there and take a good look at this unfamiliar city. Unlike the roller coaster, the Ferris wheel doesn’t have a long line, so we get on one of the cabins very quickly. The Ferris wheel rises slowly, peacefully, as if time wasting isn’t a thing.

               “Did you have fun today?” you look into my eyes. This is your first time looking at me so closely, it has always been me watching you, wondering what’s on your mind.

               “It’s a very good experience, I will keep this memory in my heart for the rest of my life.” I say, “Perhaps, forever.”

               You chuckle softly as you turn your back to me. I can hear you sobbing.

               I haven’t been so painful, ever.

               “Thank you for doing this with me, and I’m glad you had fun.” you take a deep breath before looking back at me, your eyes are a bit red.

               “If it were me to leave first, I would also choose you to spend the last day of my life with.”

               You put your arms around my shoulder and kiss me on my forehead. Somehow I feel like there’s something else that I should say, though my mouth shuts close. I look outside the window, the view of this city is gorgeous, and I think I’ll never be able to see such a charming sight again. I know this because you won’t be there with me. I will be all alone, staring at the emptiness of the universe. Nothing will stay forever, but I believe you will. You have planted the love I shouldn’t be having in my bones. I hope that next time I look out at the church window with white frames, the sunset and flowers are beautiful enough to replace you.