Infection

“We haven’t always seen eye to eye

But right now, won’t you look at mine?

Don’t be scared, there’s no such thing as fear.” - d4vd

Soft, sensitive skin

She is almost like a stranger.

I’m saying that because she isn’t totally one. I know her name, know her personality,

know everything about her. She doesn’t blend into the walking crowds or ignore my fondness.

She cares about me. However, we have established a relationship that distances us from each

other.

She still sits next to me in my AP Psychology class. We still talk about Conan Gray, study

together, and share wired headphones. But something is always off because her girlfriend exists

in our universe. Her girlfriend’s name is April. Unlike me, she is a person who has definite

preferences. She has strong opinions on everything and everyone. Fortunately, I’m on her good

side. I think April has influenced her because she is now judgemental and has lost her

inclusiveness. To be honest, I’ve never liked April as a person. Now I dislike April even more for

changing her personality.

I have liked her longer than April has, and I am the one who introduced them to each

other. Isn’t that ridiculous? I have buried my own chances of having her.

She didn’t even like April at first! I know that because whenever April got a bit closer to

her, she would tell me. We would figure out ways to make April give up: what to hint, and what

to say. I remember she once told me that she wasn’t in the mood for dating and that April was

too aggressive for her to hang out with. She said that while looking into my eyes. The first

sentence is a lie, but the second one is true. We were playful, we had plenty of ideas to make us

come true.

***

A deep cut creates a wound

As the school year continued, I lost myself in my academic performance. With a million different

responsibilities stacked upon me, I needed more time to recover from one work to another, but I

wasn’t allowed to because of how fast-paced this world is spinning. Depression crawled on me. It

didn’t come up to me only like a snake, it was getting its way up like a sneaky ant. It was

bothersome because the ant was so difficult to catch. One second I would wonder if the ant was

gone, but the next second it would remind me of its existence by making me itchy again.

She would come by my house and drop off a few things for me, sometimes a few snacks,

sometimes new worksheets we had to complete in class. She would leave them in my mailbox

and wait for a few minutes until she realized I wasn’t planning to go down and meet her. She

tried to save me from falling into an abyss although she failed to do so. I was already too lost in

the haze to realize that she could be the rain to eliminate the haze that blinds me from seeing

goodness.

I sat in my room for days and didn’t go to school. The only memories that kept me alive

were about her. AP Psychology had always been miserable, but I remember once in class I got

asked a question I never dared to answer.

“What’s your gender?” a boy asked me.

I looked over at her, but she wasn’t looking at me. She was just doing some paperwork.

After a few seconds of hesitation, I eventually said, “I’m not sure yet.”

“I see,” the boy fell silent as I smiled to avoid awkwardness. Indeed, I was never

uncertain about my gender, I just didn’t like to present it to others. The world isn’t friendly

enough for people like me, whose love isn’t ‘normal’. I’m not brave enough like April, who can

fight everyone in the world who is against her. I’m a coward, I only listen to negative comments

about me and watch anger convert to pain.

After school, I texted her.

I don’t think I need a gender to define me, because I think love is love, it doesn’t matter what

my gender is. I don’t need a gender to love someone.

Regardless of how embarrassed I feel now after recalling myself of the text, I knew she liked it,

and I said what was on my mind. We texted for a whole night and I didn’t even feel tired the next

morning.

***

My absences became a joke as the days went on. I got letters from the school to remind me that

my presence matters and how everything goes on my college transcript. School was the last word

I wanted to hear, so I ripped the letters into meaningless paper and threw them all into the trash

can.

However, I wasn’t aware that one of the letters was handwritten by her. I thought it was

one of the foolish letters the attendance office sent to annoy me. I believe it was my karma for

ignoring all those letters my school sent me.

After two weeks, I returned to school and lied to everyone that I was sick. I was, except I

wasn’t physically ill, like what they would expect me to be.

The classes became even harder for me to deal with because of how much I missed in the

time I was absent. My intrusive thoughts began to eat me up again, but I reminded myself of

how I was finally able to see her. This idea was with me until my fifth period, which was my AP

Psychology class.

“Hey,” I sat in my seat as she looked up at me, a little surprised.

“Hi,” somehow she forced a smile, “I’ll help you catch up with some stuff.”

“That’ll be helpful, thanks.”

She gave me all her notes from the past two weeks and explained a few things. From the

way she spoke, I could sense that something was unusual. At first, I was unsure of my doubts

because it could be my depression playing a game with me. But after chatting with a few of my

friends, I realized those gut feelings were right.

“April started dating Seraphina.” 

***

Infection spreads in the body

We stopped talking mainly because I was salty about her relationship with April. I’d never

expected her to accept April’s love, considering how many solutions we came up with to get rid

of April in our lives. How did she change in just two weeks? I couldn’t figure out why until my

mother found the handwritten letter in my trash can and showed it to me.

She didn’t write a lot in the letter, the context was mainly asking about my health and

when I would return to school. Out of all the words, a sentence stuck with me.

I joined April’s club, she said she wants to help people like us.

People like us? April thought she could save people like me, who never wanted to reveal my true

self. She thought she was helping us, but she clearly wasn’t. I never understood people like this,

why could she pretend she is so powerful when she can crash down any second because of how

vulnerable she really is? Who is April to protect us? How is April so confident? My real question

is: why did she eventually choose April instead of me?

She and I hang out with the same people, so I couldn’t avoid hearing what happened

with her and April. They weren’t so quiet about their relationship, mostly because April didn’t

shut up with her friends. They went to parades, festivals, and all the events for the lesbian

community. People showed me pictures of them holding rainbow flags together, laughing with

the crowds, and making speeches to people. They seemed to have a lot of fun being themselves. I

wondered why they never feel fear from the public and feel afraid to admit that they don’t feel

butterflies for men.

In the letter, there were more lines that I could’ve paid more attention to if I hadn’t

stopped reading immediately after she started talking about April’s club.

I hope you are feeling better, I really miss you, and I can’t imagine how painful you must be.

I’m here with you whenever you need me.

***

The wound heals but leaves a scar

The pace of everything started rushing because the school year was about to end. I was less

anxious about the mess between me and her, instead, I started focusing on the internship

program I would be attending during the summer. All the scrambling thoughts began to clear

once something new replaced them as if they were never important.

We started talking again. The conversations we have now aren’t as joyful as they used to

be, but being able to talk to each other again was an improvement for us. We also begin waving

to each other in the hallways. She will give me a real smile and I will return with one.

AP Psychology becomes less intense because the AP test is over. My depression seems to

calm down with less stress upon me. There are no longer screaming thoughts running in my

head and sorrow devouring my brain. After all this time I realized that she isn’t the girl who only

lives in my heart anymore. She has wings and she is able to fly out to somewhere she defines as

beautiful, and if I love her, I should see that place as stunning, too. Seraphina has a name.

Seraphina is not just a she, Seraphina has her own, unique, meaningful life to live. Seraphina

doesn’t just live in my stories and unstable emotions. Seraphina looks so happy with April, and

she deserves pleasure like that. I always know why Seraphina chose April over me. April takes

Seraphina to higher places, positions where she can be herself. They have dreams to live for and

moments to be proud of. I don’t have any of those to provide her, I’m just someone who seeks

approval from society and wants to hide in my safety zone because the outside world is too

brutal for a weak creature like me. I don’t have the courage to fight for what I want, and this is

the actual cause of my depression. Being a lesbian makes me think that I’m less than everyone

else, but that isn’t so, and April is the one who showed me my thoughts are false. I can be

anything I want, and no one can judge me for being what I am.

I’m tired of pretending to be a victim. I want Seraphina to be blessed, and me, too.